How To Tell That You Are Still A Momma’s Boy


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I’ve always been a Momma’s boy and I’m not ashamed of it! I remember that my friends used to make fun of me when they found out that I would shower with my mom. I remember the last shower I took with my mom. I got out of the shower, all upset and was like, “Mom, I don’t think it’s a good idea that I shower with you anymore. My friends are making fun of me!”

My mom was like, “That’s okay, mijo, I understand. You’re getting older. Now hurry up and get dressed or you’re gonna be late for work.”

Here is a top ten list on how to tell that you, or someone you know, is still a Momma’s boy.

10. Mom not only still irons your clothes and lays them out on your bed every morning, she chooses what you wear.

9. Your mom parks her car by the curb because she’s converted her garage into your bedroom.

8. Your Mom calls your boss when you’re feeling too sick to work.

7. Mom Still gives you an allowance at the same rate it was when you were a teenager; $20.

6. Mom still buys your concert tickets to go see Motley Crue and drops you off at the show.

5. You’re using mom’s second car so that you don’t have to buy your own.

4. Mom knows your Facebook login information.

3. Mom refers to the woman you’re dating as your “little girlfriend”.

2. Mom accidentally walks in on you and your “little girlfriend”, while in your garage/bedroom and rather than walk out, says, “Do you have any dirty clothes or underwear you need me to wash, mijo?”

1. You blog about your Mom.

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Here I Blog Again. The Top 10 Life Lessons I’ve Learned


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I have learned a lot in my 43 years on this planet. The following 10 nuggets of advice will steer you in the right direction for a long and happy life:

10. You can still write a check to Domino’s Pizza even though you don’t have money in your bank account. Sure, you may have to pay the bank some large insufficient funds fees, but you won’t go hungry.

9. Ignoring your unsecured credit card bills will eventually cause them to go away. You may have to field a few credit collection agency calls, but you can always change your phone number, and getting a new phone number is always fun and exciting.

8. Periodically change your phone number because that is always fun and exciting.

7. Going to the doctor will only assure that they will find something wrong with you. You may not live to the ripe old age of 80, but you won’t have any huge medical debt either.

6. You don’t always have to pay your taxes. The IRS is pretty good about making payment arrangements anyway.

5. Don’t be so overprotective of your Social Security number. If you have followed my advice so far, if anybody steals your Social Security information, chances are, your credit rating will improve.

4. When reviewing your utility bills, keep in mind that the ” Due Date” listed is just a ploy to get to your money quicker. The real due date is the date listed on the Disconnection Notice you will receive within about seven days of that last bill.

3. Delay going to college. When you struggle in life, you can always tell your kids that they should go to college because you don’t want them to suffer like you had to.

2. Watch the championship match between Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior at least one time in your life. It’s free and it’s on YouTube.

1. Don’t drink and drive.

Life from the Perspective of a Security Guard


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While I’m in between jobs, I got a gig as a security guard. I basically stand around all day and watch people come and go. At a recent post, at a grocery store, who’s name shall remain nameless but rhymes with Galbertson’s, I learned a few things:

  1. The reason kids leave the store empty handed is because, as their moms put it, “You see what happens when you don’t behave?”
  2. Wearing pajamas to the store will never be in the “In” thing to do. No shirt, no shirts, No DIGNITY.
  3. You’d better take a cart or a basket in with you. If you don’t, you’ll eventually stumble back to the front of the store with your arms full of groceries you didn’t intend to pick up but now need a cart or basket to carry.
  4. You can’t tell which employee is the manager? It’s typically the one with the tight pants and brightly colored shirt, carrying a walkie talkie, which nobody else apparently carries; not even the security guard carries one!
  5. No, that donut display is not fresh. Those donuts have been sitting there the last 3 days I’ve stood here. But they’re on sale, so you can’t beat that!
  6. No, I don’t care that you’ve worked as a security guard before. Judging by the grocery cart full of food, I can tell you’re doing much better for yourself now. Why are you even talking to me? Can’t I just enjoy my miserable job in peace?
  7. There are more men than women that buy a bouquet of flowers. Most of the men buying these bouquets always have a guilty look on their faces. Sorry to break this to you man, if you think apologizing with flowers is gonna get you out of the dog house, you might as well give ME the $6.99 you’re going to spend on flowers that your lady will throw away the instant you give them to her.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST

Yoga pants are not for everyone. I know it should be obvious, but some things just are not. Yoga pants should come with an obvious label much like a bottle of bleach that warns you: “Don’t ingest bleach”. It should be something along the lines of: “Objects in these pants may be stranger than they appear.”

Performing For A Bunch of Lawyers


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Tomorrow, I have a gig performing in front of a bunch of Insurance Litigation attorneys. I will also be delivering a short Motivational message before doing some stand up. After the stand up portion, I will be Emceeing their White Elephant Gift Exchange. This should be a blast! Okay, now on to this blog and my purpose for writing it. I have been performing for corporate audiences for about a year now and I have learned that the best way to connect to these type of audiences is to prepare, at the very least, 5 minutes of custom material. The following is what I have written so far. Some of it will make the final cut and some of it won’t. This is where you come in. I appreciate the fact that you take the time to read what I put out there and would LOVE input from all my readers! If you like a particular joke or even have one of your own you wish to throw my way, I WOULD LOVE TO READ YOUR SUGGESTIONS! Okay, here we go:

  1. Wow, when I first saw all these white guys in suits in one room, I thought I was at a Mormon Convention. But then I saw some Latinos in here with suits and it felt like I was at a Quinceañera.
  2. I’d like to thank (XYZ Law Firm) for inviting me here today. It must be so cool to be a lawyer! Lawyers get to practice in the confusing world of Civil Litigation. Or the brutal world of Criminal Litigation. Or the most exciting of them all; Insurance Litigation!
  3. I can only think of a few things more exciting than that!
    A Dentist appointment. I LOVE when someone makes my gums bleed! I pretend I’m Dracula.
    A Parade. Who doesn’t love standing in the cold for hours?!
    A Prostate Exam. You may go in to see the doctor, but you leave having gained a friend.
  4. Practicing law in a Latino city like El Paso must be hard.  I was recently down at the courthouse and saw 2 Latinos, dressed in suits. I couldn’t tell which one was the lawyer and which one was the defendant? Then one of them spoke up in the courtroom and said, “Thees is a travetee, jour honor!” That’s when I realized, THAT’S the lawyer! Hey, ‘Travesty’ is a pretty big word.
  5. Insurance law firms have such great commercials. “My attorney got me 2.2 million dollars. I may be missing my arm, but now I can buy a new one!” Then the lawyer appears on the screen and says, “If you’ve been hurt in an accident, we can help. We are the Strong ‘Left’ Arm of the law!…or whatever limb you happen to be missing. Call us today! If you are missing both arms, then have someone else help you CALL US TODAY!”
  6. I like that your law firm didn’t go for a name to describe your tenacity. Some firms go for such intimidating names like:
    The Lion
    The Tiger
    The Bear
    Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
    Law firm names are never stereotypical. I mean, I would jump at the chance to hire; THE WEASEL! Hey, the weasel is a quick and clever creature. I hired “The Bulldog” for my divorce and my ex-wife’s lawyer made him look like, “The Puppy”. The Weasel would have at least got me my X-Box back.

    Okay readers, that’s as much as I have written so far. I might add a few more here and there, based on your suggestions. Remember a few things though; this is a corporate audience and the material has to be clean. Let’s try to stay away from the sexual or race references. Although I make Latino references, they are typically clever enough not to offend audiences of any kind. Oh, and I’ve taken those bits for a spin in front of corporate audiences before, so they are well tested. LUCKY FOR ME! Okay, have at it readers! I hope to read some good stuff here!

SEE YA!

Dating in El Paso, Texas


The last girl I dated was a stay at home mom. Her ankle bracelet didn’t let her go more than 10 feet away from her house.

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I’ll Scratch Your Back, You Stab Mine


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Okay, okay, maybe the title of this blog goes a little too far. What I wanted to blog about today is the common courtesy that should exist in a business like stand up comedy. As any stand up already knows, stage time is king, and if you have trouble getting the stage time you’d like, it would do you well to help others get the stage time they are looking for too. In stand up, we are all connected with a show producer, a comedy club, a promoter, or anyone else that has the ability to book someone on a stand up comedy show. If you find it difficult to get stage time at other clubs, bars or venues, you have to find a way to network with other comedians who have those connections that will help you help you get your foot in the door.

It’s been my experience that not every comedian will play by these rules. I’ve been asked, “Hey, if you can somehow get me connected with the owner of (such & such club), I can help you get booked at places I perform.” Then, what sometimes happens, you help them get booked, then you go back to them to see if they’ll return the favor and you’re either ignored, or told that there’s not much the can do for you right now. Sometimes, they’ll even direct you to contact a booker or producer they know, who has absolutely no idea who you are. Most of those contacts will ignore you long enough for you to just give up.

There are times, however, when the process works as smoothly as it’s supposed to. You’ll help a fellow comedian with a booking and they will immediately return the favor. That’s the way it should work! Now, maybe some of these comedians don’t have the “pull” they need with a club or booker and they’re really promising something they can’t deliver on? Whatever the case is, the intention should always be to return the favor. One of the hardest things to do is to stick your neck out for someone and take the risk that you might even burn that bridge for yourself! The following list will give you things to consider when helping a fellow comedian out:

  1. Promise to return a booking favor ONLY IF you have the ability to do so. Don’t make a promise that you are not in the position to make. NEVER assume that by the time the other comedian helps you out, you’ll have made some connections along the way. Make sure you are able to deliver on what you promise after your fellow comedian delivers on their promise.
  2. Understand that you take a risk every time you suggest a performer to a booker or club that you do business with. Having said that, make sure that the comedian you are asking help from, is a comedian that you feel would do well at the venues you will be putting in a good word for them at. Don’t just pick someone that has the connections but no act. In that case, you both bomb!
  3. Offer to help them FIRST. Look at this way; if you already have the connections, your offer of assistance puts the ball in their court. In this instance, trust can be blind. Make sure you have a good rapport with the comedian and take the calculated risk that they can return the favor.
  4. If you do not have a quality booking to offer in return, DON’T EVEN BOTHER! There is nothing worse than offering someone a quality booking, that pays well, then in return, get booked at a place that pays nothing or next to nothing. I don’t think I need to elaborate further.
  5. Remember that stand up comedy is a business and THERE ARE NO FRIENDS IN BUSINESS.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate Doing Stand Up Comedy


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HERE WE GO:

10. Inviting friends and family to my shows knowing full well they’ve heard my jokes over 100 times.

9. I look fat on stage.

8. I hate making eye contact with the only person in the audience that is NOT laughing.

7. The comics going on after me will be 10 times funnier than me.

6. I’ll be trying a new joke that will be met with 9/11 type silence.

5. People will laugh at the set up to a joke and go completely silent at the actual punchline.

4. Sometimes I spit when I talk and I can see my spit in the spotlight as it hits an audience member in the front row.

3. I have to force a smile even though my set is tanking.

2. I’m funnier in my head.

AND THE #1 REASON I HATE DOING STAND UP COMEDY…

1. At the end of the show, audience members ask me if they can take a photo with all the comedians… Then they ask me to take the photo.

Readers and fellow bloggers, feel free to add to the list, whether you’re a stand up comic or not! I would love to read your take on it!

No One Else To Blame


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What’s wrong with our world today? Our kids don’t like to go outside and play. They stayed glued to the television as if it was the last day before the cable gets shut off. They are constantly looking down at their electronic devices, using them to type messages rather than communicate verbally with their friends. Everything is electronic now. You rarely see a kid on his bike any more. Most toddlers are riding battery operated toy cars. What’s happened to our youth? Are they to blame for taking advantage of the high tech age they live in?

I’m 40 years old now, and I look back on my youth and reminisce about all of the stuff I did growing up. Getting a bike for Christmas was always the highlight of my existence. I looked forward to riding it to my friends house all summer long. I rode my bike to baseball practice every afternoon. It made me mobile! Today, the word “mobile” is used to refer to an iPhone.

I watched one cartoon everyday after school. ONE! That was it. It was Tom & Jerry and it was only thirty minutes in duration. When it was done, outside I went! I had no preconceived idea about what I was going to do with my afternoon. I just went out and found SOMETHING to do. Our parents had to go out looking for us to get us to come back inside. They ALWAYS knew where to find us. And, they knew the phone numbers of each and every one of our friends.

As children, we hated getting up early every morning, but did so anyway. Our bodies just woke us up on time because we didn’t spend all night Facebooking or watching The Cartoon Network. Oh, but when Saturday rolled around, we were up at the crack of dawn! Everyone knew that all of the best cartoons were on at that time! We watched cartoons from 6am to 12pm. That’s right, we vegged for 4 hours and no one judged us for it. Mom and dad were usually home on Saturdays and breakfast and lunch were the best meals we’ve had all week! Homemade pancakes, eggs, grilled cheese sandwiches… man, the list could go on and on!

We all had our ideas on what a perfect world would be for a kid. We all dreamed of a 24 hours cartoon channel. We all dreamed about one day having the ability to stay connected to our friends non stop. We envisioned a world when we would no longer have to pedal a bicycle to get from place to place. What a great world it would be if we could have music blaring directly in our ears, so that we could play it as loud as we possibly could without mom and dad telling us to turn our music down or shut our bedroom door. Oh man, wouldn’t it be great if every time we got grounded and sent to our room, we could STILL watch TV and listen to music and talk to our friends? We would never have to leave our room at all! Punish us all you want, mom and dad!

Our children didn’t create the world they live in. We did…

I’m Not The Man I Used To Be


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Approximately four years ago, I decided to do something about the weight I had gained. I was married for twelve years and in that time, my weight shot up from 170 lbs. to 230 lbs. I can’t tell you why it happened, it just did. It didn’t bother me much at the time, though. It was just part of my life. I worked, ate all day, came home and ate some more. I had a weight set and would go on about two week streaks of trying to get back in shape before it became another after thought.

With my divorce, I knew I had to get it together. No so much to appeal to the opposite sex, but because I was unhealthy. My blood pressure shot up to incredibly high levels and I could hear myself breathing! Heck, I developed such a snore that I would wake myself up at night! I couldn’t go on like that. I was very athletic in my youth, up until the age of about twenty-two. Now, I was 35 and wasn’t getting any younger, or thinner, for that matter. I got myself a used pair of weights from Craigslist and got to it!  I worked out every other day, but didn’t change many of my eating habits. My muscles started growing again, but the weight loss would often hit a plateau. At the time, I went from 215 lbs. to 200 lbs, but I could never crack the 200 mark. Eventually, I got comfy again and stopped working out. I eventually gained most of the weight back. I just got discouraged at not losing any more than I had.

Two years ago, I decided to take a different approach. I had been researching Low Carb diets and thought that may help me break the plateau I had previously reached. Armed with a new diet, I hit the weights again. In about four months, I had gone from 210 lbs. to 194 lbs before my weight loss began to stall again. The Low Carb and weight lifting was working, but I still could not break that new plateau! I, again set the weight loss aside and got back to life. Eventually, my weight went back up to 205 lbs. and my blood pressure went up right along with it.

Forward to July 2013, nearly three months ago. I now knew the advantages of Low Carbing a diet and exercise. It worked for me, but only up until a certain point. This time, I decided to cut calories instead of cutting out the Carbs. I downloaded an application on my phone called MyFitnessPal. This application calculated the amount of calories I could eat each day with the goal of losing one pound a week. I was also going to be exercising, so that would allow me to lose weight at a faster pace. The application allows you to add your exercise to it which then calculates the calories you burn and adds those same calories back on to your daily allowable intake. I chose not to log my exercise, however, and have decided to stick to the same calorie intake every day and let the exercise stand on its own. Today, October 21st, I now weigh 190.6 lbs. after starting at 205 lbs, two weeks in to the month of July. I am still weight lifting, so I am adding lean muscle to my weight. I have a goal of reaching at least, 175 lbs. So far, so good!

So, why blog about such a topic on a stand up comedy blog? Well, because I had no comedy related material to write about, that’s why. But maybe I can help someone else with weight loss? Who Knows? Here is a list of things to consider when deciding to change your health for the better:

  1. Don’t go out and buy a weight scale. Get yourself a measuring tape and measure yourself from the fattest part of your belly. Do this every two weeks to measure your progress. If you are weightlifting, you’ll add muscle to your frame which adds weight, however, you will also be burning fat, which you can gauge by measuring your belly.
  2. When you start out, weigh yourself at Wal-mart. They have a really cool, new machine there. Get your starting weight, then come back every two to three weeks or so, and get weighed again. Keeping a scale at home may cause you to weigh yourself too often, which may discourage you when you are not seeing the scale numbers decrease. Don’t let the scale deceive you.
  3. If you wish to go the Low Carb route, try to do this for about two weeks to a month, but no longer than that. You can Low Carb a diet til the cows come home, but if you’re still eating more calories than you should be, you will reach a plateau you will find extremely difficult to break.
  4. Count your calories per day. MyFitnessPal is a great app. that will do the calculations for you. First, it calculates the amount of calories you can take each day without gaining or losing a pound, then it will calculate the amount of calories you need to cut back on to lose your desired pounds per week. I would suggest losing a pound or two per week, but no more than that. It sucks when you don’t allow enough calories in your diet to eat comfortably throughout the day.
  5. Exercise! Does this really need to be said? There’s no need to P90X it or go as far as INSANITY! That stuff can work against you! Hit the weights, Zumba, Pilates, or anything else your feel comfortable with. Twenty to thirty minutes, every other day is all it takes! Try resting no more than two days straight though. Don’t let your body trick itself in thinking that you won’t stick with it.
  6. YouTube your exercise routines and health advice. There is so much great information out there and some of it is actually entertaining! You will find a few favorites in no time! I like getting advice from channels such as MuscleTwins, BuffDudes and SixPackShortCuts. It’s amazing how much information they offer for free!
  7. Stick with it. This works for me; I tell myself, “Eat right. You haven’t been working out as hard as you do to mess things up with eating junk. Don’t skip your workouts. You haven’t been eating right to mess things up by not working out.” The mental edge is soooo important! If you can’t tame your mind, your body will always lose control.

I appreciate you reading this far. If you have questions or comments, feel free to fire away! Good luck to you!

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